A Series Of Completely Random Events
by Aingingein
Summary: Due to some unfortunate mishaps, House, Cuddy, Wilson, Chase, Cameron, and Foreman are all trapped in the doctor's lounge--with no one up to the task of rescuing them. So they decide to make the best of the situation... T for language and mild nudity.
1. Chapter 1

House poured himself a cup of Columbian coffee, tossed a couple Vicodin in it, and took a seat on the squashiest sofa in the doctor's lounge. Wilson, who was sitting on the arm of the sofa to accommodate House's reclining, furrowed his brows and gestured toward the coffee cup. Seeing Wilson's questioning look, he explained. "I like to see how fast I can reach the Vicodin at the bottom of the cup without burning my tongue." Wilson just looked at House and sighed.

House laughed sarcastically and then covered his mouth. "Wilson, lock the door. And keep your voice down. I need to hide from Cameron."

"I don't have the key! It's a double sided lock," Wilson said.

"Just do something to keep the door closed," House sighed exasperatedly, tossing Wilson a couple paperclips and some gum. Wilson went over and messed with the lock as House directed him.

"This'll have to do," said Wilson, sitting back down and turning on the television to watch Grey's Anatomy.

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Chase wiped the tears off of Cameron's mascara stained cheeks and looked up worriedly at Foreman. "Something has got to be done about this."

Between sobs and gasps, Cameron said, "This isn't the first time he's said something like this. But really, in front of a patient who agrees with everything he says? And don't all insults have to be based in some truth?"

"The patient has a neurological disorder. The functions in his frontal lobe have been malfunctioning, thus hindering his ability to process his own thoughts and therefore agreeing with anyone who is persuasive."

This time, both Chase and Cameron looked up at Foreman, with a look that plainly said "You are not helping this situation at all," and then Cameron once again burst into another round of fresh tears. The three of them were in the janitor's closet, where Cameron had run to after being tormented by House. He had called Cameron a zitty cow, and then to make it worse, their patient had agreed with various other fat jokes and some 'ugly' insinuations ("Nice mask. Just in time for Halloween!")

Cameron was balled up in fetal position, bawling her eyes out while Chase cradled her in his arms. Foreman was standing awkwardly under the shelf of toilet cleaning solution, trying lamely to cheer Cameron up.

Chase hugged Cameron tightly, and wiped her eyes with the Kleenex he found in the closet. She breathed deeply a couple of times, and was finally able to stop crying. "Let me clean you up a bit…" said Chase, wiping her cheeks clean, giving her a Kleenex to blow her nose into, and fixing her rumpled hair. Standing up in the cramped closet, he said, "Are you all right? Here, let's go talk to Cuddy. She'll kick his ass good."

Cameron looked up and smiled weakly at him, then pulled herself up using an extra large trash can. She stumbled as she was standing up, and Chase grabbed her by the waist to steady her. "Woah, you good?" he said. She felt Chase's reassuring breath on her neck and his strong hands on her stomach and felt very smiled back at Chase, and then stood up straight and stretched. Chase was looking at her lovingly. At that moment, they were both thinking, _Wow. I never noticed those eyes._

Foreman opened the closet door and held it for Cameron and Chase, and resisted the temptation to dart from the scene. He hated deep, emotional moments. He just never knew what to say.

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Cuddy exhaled sharply. "Well." She looked at the entire diagnostics team standing in front of her, sans House. They had just explained to her in great detail what had occurred. She stifled a laugh when she heard about "_Gorillas in The Mist _being filmed in her shower," and again when she heard that people "put out her flaming face with a fork." But for Cameron's sake (who looked seriously distressed), Cuddy began to walk out the door. "Chase, grab the keyring on my desk. Ten bucks says House locked the doctor's lounge."

"Deal!" Foreman nearly shouted. He was always one to take up bets.

Cuddy tried the key on the door a few times, but she wasn't able to open it. She looked at the key, but could find nothing wrong with it. Finally, she yanked the door open and was amused to find the lock on the other side covered in mauled paperclips and some pink, watermelon-scented goop. She and the team walked in, ready to confront House, when they heard a slam behind them. Chase had closed the door. Wilson looked at the door with an extremely worried face.

"What?" snapped Chase.

"That wasn't a very cleverly designed device. I think you just locked us in here."


	2. Dysfunctional Hospital!

Cuddy sat scowling on the loveseat, Wilson was pacing and biting his lip, Foreman was trying everything to open the door, Chase and Cameron were sitting as far apart as they could on the big sofa, and House was surveying the situation with great glee.

"Come on now, Cuddy. Don't be so curmudgeonly." House said to Cuddy.

"Oh, _I'm _curmudgeonly? You're like Squidward on tax day!" Cuddy shot back, and she stood up and started marching around the room angrily.

" It _is _your fault. If you hadn't broken the door in the first place, we wouldn't be stuck here. So you shouldn't be complaining. Although, maybe it's not your fault. You breasts are swollen. I mean, cleavage alert! Perhaps it's because it's arts and crafts week at panty camp?" House said, the tiny twitch on the corner of his mouth refusing to give way to a smile."

"If you demonstrated a little bit of self restraint, I wouldn't have reason to be here. None of us would! You and your team would be working on your patient, Wilson would be—"

"—with me, in here, watching Grey's Anatomy—"

"—treating the large number of lymphoma patients, and I would be filing the paperwork so this hospital will run smoothly and we won't have problems like this," Cuddy finished in a high pitched shriek.

"Um, yeah. I don't think this door is opening any time soon. We're going to need to take a saw and cut around the edges of the door frame."

"Great," said Cuddy sarcastically, "let me just get my saw that—oh, wait, I left my chainsaw in my office again!"

"When will you ever learn?" said House.

Cuddy sighed. "Does anyone have a phone in here?"

"Yeah," said House, handing a phone to her, "here ya' go."

"House, that's a stapler," Cuddy said, holding the silver Swingline in her hand.

"Uh, yeah…" House said, checking his pockets, "I don't think I have it on me."

"Fantastic." Cuddy said, and sat down heavily.

"No, no! Wait! I have a phone right here!" Chase said, eager to save the day. Cuddy grabbed the phone from his hand without thanking him, and dialed a nurse.

"Me, Dr. Wilson, and the entire diagnostics team are trapped in the doctor's lounge and can't get out." Cuddy said politely into the phone, "Could you—"

"Yeah, alright," the voice on the phone said, "we'll send someone right away—"

"Thank you!" Cuddy breathed.

"—to handle Dr. House's patient. Dr. Wilson, too, you said? We have plenty of oncologists on duty today. Alright. Have a nice day" the nurse said.

"But wait! Aren't you going to send someone up to help us?" Cuddy said into the receiver. But the perky nurse had already hung up.

"Well, that was a failure," House said.

"I have a phone!" said Cameron. handed Cuddy the phone, and Cuddy called the main desk.

"Yeah, hi, it's Dr. Cuddy. I'm—"

"Yeah, yeah, we already know. Your in the doctor's lounge. Don't worry. We have someone to take care of the patients," the nurse said.

"What about us though?" Cuddy practically screamed. However, all she got in response was a humming dial tone. "Remind me when we get out of here to have a chat with the nurses," she said to no one in particular while closing the phone. Suddenly, the phone emitted a loud chiming sound and turned off. "What—" Cuddy muttered, fiddling with the phone.

"Oh, it must have died. I didn't charge it last night," Chase said calmly. Cuddy screamed through her clenched teeth.

"Wilson, _you _must have a phone with you ," Cuddy exasperatedly said, turning to face Wilson. Wilson fumbled through his pockets.

"Where… did it...go…? I could have sworn…"said Wilson, checking through his pockets one more time. Suddenly, a light turned on in his head. "House…" he growled, turning to the accused, "where did you put it?"

"Not in here," House simply said, "but if I had known it would bring the wrath of a thousand suns on us," he joked, referring to Cuddy's enraged look, "I would have kept it on me."

"Who has a phone in here? A walkie talkie? Anything? A paper cup on a string, maybe?" ranted Cuddy. "Wait," she said, "no one has anything? What kind of professional environment is this?"

"As far as I'm concerned, Cuddy, you don't seem to have a phone either," House said. He looked like he was about to say more, but wisely decided against it after seeing Cuddy's glare. Cuddy was about to dive into another bout of screaming and ranting and raving, but she just took a deep breath and sat down.

"Hey, you guys!" Cameron suddenly said, her eyes lighting up, "Let's make the best of this situation. There's a deck of cards on the counter over there," she said, gesturing toward the sink. "We should play strip poker!"

"Uh, guys. I don't think the door is opening," said Foreman, still kneeling by the door. Seeing everyone's face, he said, "Oh. I get it. We already established that. So what were we saying?"

"Strip poker!" Cameron shouted enthusiastically.

"I don't think I want to see little ray of sunshine over here completely naked." Chase said, pointing at House. House chuckled.

"Oh, come on. Don't be a wimp. At least you're good at poker. You won't end up naked!" Cameron said to Chase, playfully nudging him on the arm.

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They were all sitting on the floor in a circle with a deck of cards in the center, and five cards dealt out to each hand. "Alright," Cameron said, "let's get started."

"Hold on," Foreman said, slightly embarrassed, "I don't really know where the stripping comes in this game. Cameron, could you explain this to me."

"Well, I don't really know how to play, either," said Cameron.

"Me neither," Cuddy admitted.

"Uh, yeah, we, um, don't have strip poker in Australia," Chase lied.

"I don't know how to play," Wilson said shamelessly. Everyone looked at House. House didn't know what to do. He actually _didn't _know how to play, but he didn't want to ruin his image. So he made up the rules.

"Alright, so you use each article of clothing as money. They are all worth the same amount except for underwear. That's worth five. Cuddy's bra is worth ten. You can't touch anyone else's clothes. It's pretty much the same as regular poker," House said.

"Except you play it in the nude," said Foreman.

"Exactly," House replied.

"I'm not gonna play," said Wilson.

"Wimp," muttered House.

"Alright. Cameron, you start." Cuddy said.


	3. Naked

Alright, I know nothing about poker, so don't judge. Also, please please give me some ideas for shinnanigins they can get into. The funniest ideas are yours! Also, about Cameron's vest and jacket: has anyone else noticed that she wears that white, three peice suit a lot?

* * *

They had been trapped in the doctor's lounge for 25 minutes, and if anybody came in, they would probably die of shock. The doctors had only been playing poker for ten minutes, but in that time, House had managed to lose his shirt and was only wearing Cameron's shimmery aqua bra. Foreman was wearing Cameron's shirt as a hat because it was too small to fit around his head.

"The one day I decide not to wear my blazer and vest!" said Cameron said unhappily, readjusting Cuddy's scarf to conceal her boobs. Unfortunately for her, the scarf was gauzy and transparent. That was a fact that was not lost on Chase, whose eyes were bugging out. He was sitting on the ground in an awkward position, trying not to reveal his special place, which was lamely covered by House's shirt-turned-manskirt.

"Alright, six in the pot!" House said, rubbing his hands together, "Cuddy! Six to call." Cuddy put her hands inside her shirt, and House nearly had to put his fist in his mouth to stop from screaming. Cuddy had pulled out a black lacy bra with the washing tag still on: 36DD.

Cuddy smiled slyly. "My bra is worth ten."

"Per cup. I think Noah used that as the Ark." House said, oogling at Cuddy's thin, low cut cotton shirt stretched across her upper chest.

"Well then. Four to call?" Cameron said, "Crap. This means I have to give up my underpants…"

"I think I'm gonna join in the game then," Wilson said, noticing that Cameron was wearing a tight pencil skirt and no pantyhose.

"Oh, wait! I can check! I was the big blind!" she said triumphantly.

"Nevermind," said Wilson dejectedly.

They went around one more time, and it was time to show. Forman had three nines and two sevens, a hand better than everyone else's. "Let's see…" he said. He put on Cuddy's bra and used Chase's pants as a jacket. "Okay, deal another round."

"Wait!" Cuddy said. "You have to put the underwear on, too."

"Ew," Foreman said. "Do I have too?"

"Those are the rules," Wilson chimed in.

"Shut up. You're not even playing," Foreman said angrily. Wilson went back to watching _Ugly Betty. _"You can't be serious."

"Wilson's right. Those _are _the rules," House taunted.

"You know, I find this a little bit offensive. My underwear is perfectly clean!" Chase said.

"Um, _ew,_ dude. They're tighty-whities!" Foreman said. Chase felt heat rising to his cheeks. He usually wore boxers, but he had thought that today he might try out his new tighty-wighties. He had no way of knowing where they would end up. At least no one had noticed the rocket ship on them—

"Oh my god! They have a rocket ship on them!" Chase heard Wilson's voice shout. Chase reddened from head to toe. House and Foreman burst out laughing.

"Aww, I think it's cute!" said Cuddy in Chase's defense. Chase was already the butt of so many jokes.

"It is! And it's sexy," added Cameron, "Only real men aren't afraid of wearing whatever underwear they like." Chase felt a rush of gratitude for both women, but especially for Cameron.

"Fine," Foreman said reluctantly. He took Cameron's shirt off of his head and replaced it with Chase's underpants. He shuddered, and used Cameron's shirt as an ankle bracelet.

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A couple minutes later, everyone was yelling at House to take off his pants. "You have to!" Cuddy said. "That's how you play!"

"But then I'll look like a fool!" House argued back.

"Oh, _that _would make you look stupid," Cuddy said sarcastically. "Look at you! You're wearing a bra."

"Fine. Because I know just how much you want me too." House inched his pants off, and Cuddy gasped at his right leg. It looked terrible. She could not even begin to imagine the agony he was going through. House noticed that Cuddy looked horrified, and tried to shift position to conceal his thigh. The entire room had gone quiet with a tense silence between everyone. It seemed to House that they were sitting like that for hours. Was that shame in Cuddy's eyes that he saw? Guilt? Pity? Cameron bit her lip and looked down at her thumbs. Chase was studying Cuddy's face, and Wilson was frozen, holding his fourth cup of decaf in his hand, looking back and forth from Cuddy to House. Only Foreman didn't seem to notice what was going on.

"Well!" Foreman said jollily, breaking the silence. He pulled off his pants and both his socks and dumped them in the middle. "Raised two." No one, however, was paying attention to him. House had slowly pulled himself up using his cane, and Cuddy was standing up, too.

"What is it you see Cuddy? What?" House said menacingly. "Maybe a little mole? A birthmark, perhaps?" Cuddy shook her head, looking frightened. "A scrape? Just a little pinprick?" House shouted, and swallowed some Vicodin. "WHAT DO YOU SEE?" Cuddy shrank under House's malignant stare, but did not say anything. "NOTHING! That's what you see! Absolutely nothing! Why? Because I've suffered intolerable pain that would kill you, Cuddy, and they chopped a muscle off my leg! I can't walk. I can't run. Can't do anything without this FUCKING CANE! I am in _pain,_ Cuddy. Pain that you can't even imagine. And it was all because of a stupid MISTAKE! My life is _ruined _because of it! And what? You get mad at me for the stupid _Vicodin_?" House's face was red, and everyone in the room was looking at him with a mixture of fear and awe.

Gently, Cuddy said, "Everyone makes mistakes, House. Maybe not you, you're perfect, but sometimes, you have to deal with them. At least you lived. Really, everyone _does _make mistakes."

"_Thank _you!" said Chase, flashing back to the time he killed the woman with the ulcer.

"WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO LIVE?" House screamed. Cuddy was about to say something, until she actually saw what she saw: A 6'2'' man, brandishing a cane, wearing a turquoise bra, boxers, tube socks, and nothing else. She suddenly started giggling. Soon, House joined in and their laughter turned into full-blown, phlegm-ridden hysteria. Cameron, Chase, and Foreman, looked at each other confusedly, and got up to join Wilson by the coffee maker. They all grabbed a cup of coffee and watched House and Cuddy with amusement, until Chase looked at the window and squinted.

"What's that…?" he said, pointing to a flashing black box. "Oh my god," he said, eyes wide. "That's a camera."


	4. Eating Dogs Dating Vampires Bourbon

**Sorry I haven't posted in a week. I was spending time in lovely New Orleans. If you have any requests for stories or oneshots that I could write, feel free to tell me, and I can get back to you about it. This is the fourth and final chapter. I hope you all enjoy it! I truly wish I could write more, but this whole "locked in a room" thing can only go on for so long.**

* * *

Foreman, Cameron, and Chase were standing nervously, cross-armed, watching Cuddy pace angrily for the second time that hour. House and Wilson were sitting in identical positions in the couch—left ankle on right thigh, right elbow resting on right knee, chin sitting on right hand.

"Hmm…" House said.

"HHMMmm…" Wilson imitated. Cuddy glared at them both.

"Well, you can all kiss your practicing licenses goodbye!" Cuddy finally snapped.

"No way," Chase said defiantly. "They can't blame any of us for bad hospital workers."

"House was wearing a bra!" Cuddy yelled.

"When you put it that way…" Cameron said. Once Chase had found the camera, they had all changed into their normal clothes as fast as they could. Unfortunately, this caused House to trip and knock everyone to the ground at the exact moment when both Cameron and Cuddy were trying to put on their bras. The camera had snapped a picture of House lying on top of two semi-naked female doctors. The camera had since disappeared from the window.

"It's illegal to take those pictures anyway, right?" Foreman asked hopeful.

"Not if it's a hospital administrator taking the picture. They have every right to survey their own premises," Cuddy reasoned. "It isn't _our _personal room." Cameron walked over to the window for the seventh time and tried to find a way to open it.

"Why don't we just break the window?" asked Chase.

"It's plexiglass. Not exactly the easiest thing to break," Foreman said.

"Anyway," Cuddy groaned, "there's no fire escape. It's quite a drop down… to the blacktop."

"No fire escape?" Chase asked, looking to verify for himself, even though there obviously wasn't one. "Isn't that a violation of some code?"

"I certainly hope not," Cuddy said.

A short silence followed, and Cuddy walked over to House and Wilson. Wilson was saying, "and I would totally do that coffee shop girl. Oh, hello, Cuddy," he said, looking up. Cuddy looked confused for a second.

"Whatever. I don't even want to know." Cuddy walked over to the cabinet under the sink, opened one of the walls of the cupboard, and poured herself a generous glass of bourbon.

"WHAT?" House shouted, eyes wide, when he saw what Cuddy had done. Cuddy looked at the cupboard, and then the glass in her hand and sighed resignedly. She realized she had just given away one of the hospital's best kept secrets: the store of liquor in the doctor's lounge. House held out his hand and clucked his tongue. Cuddy sighed and poured him a glass of Jefferson's on the rocks and reached out to hand it to him.

"Wait, wait. Let's have some fun with this," Cameron said, gesturing to the drink.

"Exactly what I was going to do…" House said, with the air of saying "duh."

"No, I mean, we should play a game. Let's play 'I Never!'" Cameron said enthusiastically. She took a sip and then smiled. "This stuff is delicious!" she said. "Of course, it's no Booker's." Chase's ears perked up and his eyes snapped to Cameron. "…then again, it's Booker's is super alcoholic. Just one glass…" Cameron's voice trailed off as she noticed Chase looking at her excitedly.

"Did you know Booker's is 63% alcohol?" Chase asked, taking a step toward Cameron.

"And Jefferson's is 44% percent?" Cameron said, inching toward Chase.

"But the best is…" Chase began.

"Woodford Reserve!" they shouted together at the same time.

"Oh my god!" Cameron gushed.

"We're, like, exactly the same!" Chase squealed.

"We belong together!" Cameron shouted. The two jumped together into a photogenic embrace.

"Well, okay then," Cuddy said. "Now that that's over…"

"Let's play!" Wilson shouted.

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They were all sitting together in a circle. Everyone had already had a couple sips when they were deciding who should start.

"Okay… uh…" Chase said, "I never… ate dog before." Everyone else in the circle, except Cameron, took a sip of bourbon. Cameron looked scandalized.

"How could—" Cameron said, while Chase gasped. Foreman just rolled his eyes.

"I never…" Foreman said, thinking, "I never dated a vampire." House was the only one to take a sip. Wilson looked at him curiously.

"Actually," House explained, "she was a blood fetishist who hated sunlight. I dumped her when I woke up with her sucking at a scab on my toe."

"Whatever," Cuddy said. "I've never done a girl before." Everyone else took a sip. Chase raised his eyebrow at Cameron, while Foreman lowered his.

"Twice. Once when I was drunk and once when I was stoned," Cameron explained.

"Wait… but you said that you've only done drugs once. And that was the time we…" Chase's voice trailed off as he saw Cameron nodding. "How many people came over that day?!" He asked incredulously. Cameron pretended to count off on her fingers. "That's sexy," Chase said, and pulled Cameron into a vicious kiss.

"Ew," said Foreman, watching Chase swallow Cameron's entire face.

"I've never walked down a street naked," House said. Wilson took a drink, and House burst out laughing. Wilson looked at him angrily.

"I just can't hold my alcohol very well, alright?" Wilson huffed.

"I know…" House said, turning to Cuddy. Cuddy started giggling.

"The duck thing…!" Cuddy and House started laughing loudly. Wilson's face turned red.

"It's not funny. I've spent the night in jail three times because of alcohol you forced on me!" he tried to yell at House, who wasn't listening.

"Fine! I've never crapped in my pants in the last five years," Wilson said, glaring at House. All traces of humor were gone from House's face as he downed another shot. Cuddy erupted in another fit of laughter.

"I've never had SEVEN yeast infections!" Cameron yelled, trying desperately to stop Cuddy's annoying laughter. It worked. Cuddy glared at Cameron, eyes filled with fury. She took a shot and then advanced on Cameron.

"Oh, you little…"

"Hey, peace and love everybody!" said a tipsy Wilson, tears of laughter streaming down his face. Foreman, who was even worse than Wilson with alcohol, started giggling uncontrollably. House, the only one who was completely sober, looked disgusted at Wilson, who had drunk some more of the swirling amber liquid. Then Wilson burst into loud sobs, holding the bottle aloft. "Amber. This bourbon is _amber. _It's a horrible thing. Disgracing the name of Amber's memory forever!" Wilson took off his pants, wrapped the bottle in them, threw it against the wall and passed out. Foreman screamed and ran over to Wilson and started administering CPR. He then looked up at Cuddy with tears in his eyes.

"He's gone." And with that, Foreman collapsed in a heap on top of a very much alive Wilson. Cuddy checked both of their pulsed, which were normal, and then sat down on the couch. House looked at her, and because she looked a little bit sad, he sat down next to her and put his arm around her waist. Cuddy, who was shocked by this show of compassion, looked up at him, befuddled.

"Oh, don't act so surprised," House snapped, and then regretted it. "I'm not always cynical."

"Well, I like this," Cuddy said. She placed her hand on House's heart and fell asleep on House's shoulder. Suddenly, Wilson woke up with a start, shoved Foreman off of him, and dashed to the bathroom. He threw open the door, and started peeing, and then felt a presence behind him. He looked over, and Cameron and Chase, were both naked on the floor, looking up at Wilson with a look of disgust and embarrassment. House saw everything because the door was thrown open with such force that it got stuck. He chuckled to himself, and then stroked Cuddy's hair.

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Everybody was sitting in Cuddy's office with a cup of coffee in their hands. House and Cuddy were sitting with their legs hanging off the desk. Wilson, who had refastened his pants backwards, was sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall. Chase and Cameron were cuddled up in the corner of the couch, leaving room for Foreman, who was sitting up straight and tall. Two nurses had bust open the door, a black Nikon in their hands.

"We decided that y'all should experience some time together to work as a team to try and get out. We took pictures to document and give to the board." Cuddy's eyes had widened when she saw the pictures they had been holding. "We decided to just tell them the camera had malfunctioned and you guys worked together," the other nurse had said. They had handed Cuddy the pictures, and now they were in their office laughing at them.

"Ha! I like this one," said Wilson, pointing at the picture of House yelling at Cuddy.

"Nah, this is my favorite," House said, pointing to the picture of them all in a circle. Cuddy was swinging her bra around and House's eyes were as big as saucers, while Chase was not-so-subtly gaping and Cameron's chest.

"Wow," Cuddy smiled, looking around. "We had some good times."


End file.
